Teen Interaction - Help with building a healthy relationship

Teens need to prove their independence, and they will clash with the parents at every opportunity. It doesn't need to be so all the time. Share your own experiences. Teenagers will be surprised to hear that their stodgy, conservative parents were teens at one time as well, and went through a lot of the same things they are now.

Don't be afraid to share your own foibles, misdeeds and former teenage angst with your own teen.

And when there is a conflict, as with children at any age, choose your battles. There are a lot of inevitable battles in the teen years. Don't waste your time and energy arguing about the small stuff--haircuts, weird clothes and messy bedrooms--save it for the big issues, like drugs, alcohol and school performance.

Don't be intrusive into their lives, but do make yourself available for when they need you. Don't expect your teen to want to spend time with you every day, but do try to find at least one special time a week, even if it's just a special pancake breakfast on Sunday mornings.

There's going to be a natural stress level with any teen, but you can try to minimize this at home. Don't insist on having a sit-down family dinner every single day, but try to have them as often as you can. It's a good opportunity to talk casually, and just feel like a family. Big, important stressful issues should be avoided during this time. Encourage your teen to have friends over to your house. It will create a bit of a burden for you, but it will help earn you the respect and admiration of your teen and her friends. You may even gain a little insight into their lives.

Some teens are naturally highly motivated, while some don't ever seem to move off the couch. Providing motivation is sometimes difficult. If you need them to help out around the house, try to be flexible, and avoid nagging. Also remember, they will have to make their own mistakes, and sometimes you will see them coming, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Chances are, they'll learn more from the experience of failing, than they would simply from listening to you tell them the "right" way.

Parenting > Teens > What to expect

In short, what you should expect when your child becomes a teen, is the unexpected. This is a time when your child wants and needs to show his independence, and within limits, this is a healthy thing. They want to explore new things, new ideas, and new looks. They may switch from eating fast food and chips to being a strict vegetarian, or if they were raised in a vegetarian household, they will start eating burgers and steaks on a regular basis. Long hair will be cut short, short hair will be grown long. Sunday school kids will become pagans, and kids raised with classical piano lessons will start playing punk music on loud guitars. They may want to take a summer off to travel around Europe with friends, and if budget permits and they are responsible enough, this is a great opportunity for learning. It's a time of experimentation, when your teen needs to find out what is beyond the family unit, and where he fits into the world.

A teen's social life takes on great importance, as will a car (which means freedom), a job (money to spend), and members of the opposite sex. That's not to say that your teen won't have time for parents, but your slice of the attention pie is going to get a little slim. Make the most of what time you have together, and try to plan at least one special time a week, even if it's short.

Expect there to be a lot of highs and lows in your teen's life. The first love is one that will never be forgotten, and while it's happening, they'll be on top of the world, and will have their entire lives all figured out. When it ends, their world will crash. At least for a while. Try to be supportive but not intrusive or judgmental.

Also, besides emotional ups and downs, this is also a time for some financial planning, for both your teen and yourself. They will be wanting spending money, and may perhaps look for an after school job. In some cultures, a teen job is frowned upon as something that takes away from study time, but it's still often necessary. Your teen wants to have a social life, and social lives cost money. You know your teen better than anyone else. You will know whether they can handle the pressure of a job and school, and if they can't, be prepared to offer an alternative, such as a few increased household responsibilities in exchange for more spending money. Also, it's never too soon to think about college, and if your teen is the college-bound type, she will already be thinking about it from the day she walks into high school. She'll be comparing notes with others about where they want to go and what they want to study. One day it may be going off to study art at the Sorbonne, and the next it'll be engineering at MIT. Don't worry, it will all get sorted out eventually. And if you haven't already, this is the time for financial planning on your own part, to figure out how that college degree is going to be financed.